The automated message you hear while waiting to be placed on hold

A while back, I posted a rant about the frustrating waste of time that results when businesses treat their customers to ambiguous voice-mail messages and incomplete voice-mail greetings. At the time, I just kvetched in passing about those ubiquitous automated voice menus that businesses love to install and everyone else loves to hate.

Today, however, I encountered my least-favorite automated voice menu, one time too many. It belongs to a medium-size medical practice and takes well over a minute to endure. Longer, if you press the wrong key and get put on music hold.

For a year or two now, I've been threatening to rewrite the script and send it to the office anonymously. I finally have rewritten it, and I'm sharing it as an example of what can be accomplished by listening to your own communications from your customer's point of view.

Here's the current message, with names changed to protect the guilty and snarky comments inserted in blue:

[Generic female voice:]: Good afternoon.

[Pause.]

Why do we need a greeting before the greeting?

[Voice of the Very Senior Partner in the practice]: Thank you for calling the offices of Doctors Verysenior [pause], Senior [pause], Hereawhile [pause], New [pause], and Newest [pause].

Okay, you're all Very Important People and we do need to know we have reached the right office. But those long pauses are just a bit much.

The volume of calls to our practice has forced us to use this automated system and we apologize for it. But your call is very important to us.

My call may be very important to you, but my time obviously is not. These two sentences tell me no information. In addition, they give a cue ("Your call is very important to us") that generally precedes a request to leave a message. I get the idea that nobody's home.

Please listen to the full message, select the prompt you need, and your call will be transferred to the correct extension.

Fine, up to "select the prompt you need." Isn't it reasonable to hope that the correct prompt will take me to the correct extension?

If you are a physician, you may reach us at 555-555-5555. This is a hospital line and may only be used by doctors.

Why is this here? Can't it be a choice (Okay, the first choice!) on the menu of prompts?

For directions, dial 1.
For appointments, dial 2.
For billing, dial 3.
For prescriptions, please use our automated refill line by dialing 4 now.

We're finally getting someplace! But let's remember, many of today's adults have never used a "dial" phone.

Our fax number is 555-444-4321.

Another piece of information that should be incorporated into the menu.

For all other calls, please dial 0 and your call will be transferred to the operator.

At long last!

If the operator is busy, please leave a message and your call will be returned as soon as possible. Thank you for calling.

Uh-oh! More cues that nobody's home. You're welcome -- I think.

If I'm lucky, the next voice I hear is the operator's -- that is, the voice of the woman at the office's front desk. If not, it's music hold or the dreaded request to leave a message.

My perception of this medical practice, as a longtime patient and New York City resident, is that its size and staffing hardly justify an automated voice menu. (I'm familiar with just one other medical practice that employs such a system --  a huge radiology practice whose waiting room seats close to a hundred patients.)

But let's take Dr. Verysenior's word for it: "The volume of calls to our practice has forced us to use this automated system." Now, can we pare this message down to tolerable length? How about this:

You have reached the offices of Doctors Verysenior, Senior, Hereawhile, New, and Newest. [Careful enunciation; no extended pauses.] Please listen to the full menu and select the prompt you need.

If you are a physician, press 1. [Branch to a message including the number to dial and the no-patients caveat.]
For  directions, press 2.
For appointments, press 3.
For billing, press 4.
For prescriptions refills, press 5. [Branch to automated system, with an opportunity to access the operator.]
To send us a fax, press 6. {Branch to announcement of the fax number.]
For all other calls, please press 0 for the operator. [Branch to operator or music hold or, if all else fails, opportunity to leave a message.]

These changes cut the length of the message in half and reduce the information to the bare essentials, while respecting the caller's time and patience. Not a bad solution when you're dealing with patients -- or any other variety of customers.